One week after my mental breakdown, I realised something rather important: I’m emotionally isolated.
Though I think I always knew this, it became real when I needed that sliver of emotional support and I, quite literally, had no one to go to. Even the one person I thought I could rely upon let me down.
That left me with an obscene amount of feelings and tears.
I don’t know what I did differently for my emotional life to change so drastically. Well, that’s a lie. I mean I don’t know what I did intentionally, I think I know the chain of events that led to this new me. I’m still considering whether I like it or not.
I used to be a hard guy. Sometimes I had no emotions and feelings, other times I channelled my emotions into bluntness and rudeness. I guess it’s better now. Me not feeling had a good run but I’m happy to feel.
This doesn’t mean that I am a walking vessel of emotions just ready to blurt out. I just have a semi-healthy emotional life now. I still feel nothing sometimes. I can still compartmentalize like hell and some people find that scary.
I think feeling all these emotions and having no one to process them with might actually be worse than not feeling at all. I remember just lying down and just wanting someone to hold me, make me laugh, or tell me that it’ll all be okay.
But I didn’t have that.
I wanted to call someone, but it took me a while to gather the courage to do so. Vulnerability in any kind of relationship is scary and it takes courage to do it. Especially when you’ve been burnt so many times that you no longer feel safe anywhere or with anyone.
My friend would say, “Always avoid see finish.” And I kinda agree. People lowkey police how you should feel and how you should deal with it. When people ask you to express your feelings they don’t mean your actual feelings they just mean the ones they would be comfortable hearing.
There are so many times that I’ve felt disappointed at a person’s certain reaction when I told them something or just regretted having conservation I just overshared. I’ve hardly ever felt comfortable or safe enough to pour my heart out to someone.
And I think that’s the one thing, feeling safe. You need to feel absolutely at peace when confiding in somebody and not just do it because you need an emotional outlet. Because I promise that will end badly. At least with feeling safe, even if the person doesn’t come through like you want them to, you can rest assured that it was your complete decision.
Vulnerability in relationships can be a hit or a miss. It all depends upon a variety of things. But when you hit once, all those misses won’t matter. Or at least, I hope they won’t.
I remember reading this in David Perell’s newsletter and saying I want to be like that: “Everybody raves about deep thinkers, but my favourite people to work with are deep feelers too. They’re sensitive to their emotions, but don’t get paralyzed by them.”
And now that I do it’s bittersweet.
I say this because I’ve never had feelings so visibly. This was my first time. And I had no one to go to with it. I felt truly alone. I mean I’ve felt alone before but this time I didn’t feel indifferent towards it. I just didn’t like it.
I did a mental run-through of who I felt safe calling and opening up to and only one name came up. But in true Edikan fashion, I didn’t want to. I don’t know what it’s like to be deeply vulnerable with anybody and the thought of doing that is deeply terrifying.
So I laid there.
Numb and confused.
Until I literally couldn’t do it anymore. I needed someone. Not even to open up, someone with whom to just be.
How we need that security. How we need another soul to cling to, another body to keep us warm. To rest and trust; to give your soul in confidence: I need this. I need someone to pour myself into. – Sylvia Plath
I admit I felt disappointed that I didn’t have anyone to really go to but one. But I guess one is a start.
But one thing about life is that it’s meant to be messy. Your perceived path is going to be broken and disturbed.
After summoning the courage to call someone, let’s just say it didn’t go like I thought it would. Sometimes some things are just out of your hands even if you have the best intentions.
But I wasn’t this objective when it happened. I really think being in my feelings so much makes my emotions and sensitivity rather heightened, much like becoming a vampire in The Vampire Diaries.
I felt betrayed and let down and I believe that just triggered a release for everything that I’d been feeling plus somewhere to direct the feeling.
And even after making an attempt at opening up, I was let down. I was given a reason to not do it again. But I won’t do that.
I want two simple things: community and intimacy.
Real intimacy is a sacred experience. It never exposes its secret trust and belonging to the voyeuristic eye of neon culture. Real intimacy of the soul and the soul is reserved. – John O’Donohue
I don’t want to stop trying, to stop trying to find at least one person that can completely be my person. Someone with whom I can have emotional intentionality and intimacy.
Maybe I’ve found the person but trust takes hard-work and patience.
